2005 = panic attacks

In retrospect it was the highest number of panic attacks in one year for me. Before 2005, I can only recall - less than a handful of somewhat repressed incidents. All of these prior incidents circled around my claustrophia, but this yr was different. Actually I don't even know if they would be the same, I mean before - when I would feel suffocated, it wasn't as intense. I don't know maybe they're different categories - maybe they're the same but at different degrees...

One year, I remember I was situated in the middle of a southwest plane, smack dab in the middle, I think two people on each side and I started to feel uneasy. This was easily resolved since I was a lil one and got a free aisle seat shortly after.

Other handful of times, I had sat in the backseat of a car, bundled up in snow gear and barely an leg room. It was always the leg room and the restricted feet that got me feeling weary. Or a long car ride to Stinson (where I'm already getting car sick from the turns) in the tiny backseat of what needed to be a two seater.

But nothing like this yr.

Sept, I went on my first trip up the Empire State Building. One minute - they mentioned it would take one minute to get up to the top. They didn't mention that because of the crowds that they packed the elevators like sardines in a can. After about Floor 50 I had to put my head down, close my eyes and concentrate on breathing. I started breaking into a cold sweat, I thought I couldn't move my arms, my feet, there was no where to run, no escape - I started thinking all kinds of crazy. It was an unreal rush and this adrenaline was not cool. I felt SO good to get outta the elevator.......until I realized that we weren't there yet, we had to take another separate elevator to get up the last handful of flights. *sigh*

But that one was again - claustrophia.

Others weren't. Two other times this year I felt completely outta control. One time I felt mentally out of control and started panicking about EVERYTHING.

The other time, I physically felt outta control. I was so agitated and restless. I was lying down trying to sleep, my legs were kicking (my mind racing) I couldn't stop tossing or turning. I didn't know what to do? (do you want to go for a walk?) no no....(do you want to go for a drive? watch a movie? go on the internet? talk?)....*shaking head* *sighhhhhh* I don't know what's happening to me?! so we walked around my tiny apt in the dark - close to the middle of the night. I felt like a 5 y.o. who didn't know her left from her right. I felt helpless. I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't know what was causing it. I forgot what finally put me to sleep....I think we started doing breathing exercises or something to calm me. I felt - bad.

but at the time i wasn't open to hearing it but maybe it was underlined stress. underlined issues that i wasn't confronting. i was feeling like i had friendships on the rocks and i was in a dysfunctional relationship. who was i kidding? well, me for a tiny bit, i fooled myself. (see updated - lesson learned below)

The symptoms of a panic attack:

raging heartbeat
difficulty breathing,
feeling as though you 'can't get enough air
terror that is almost paralyzing
nervous,
shaking,
stress
heart palpitation,
feeling of dread
dizziness,
lightheadedness or nausea
trembling,
sweating,
shaking
choking,
chest pains,
distress
fear,
fright,
afraid,
anxious
hot flashes,
or sudden chills
tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
fearful that you're going to go crazy or are about to die