I LOVE to feel

I don't love the feeling of love.
I sometimes don't feel loved.
And sometimes I wonder if I've ever loved.
but I love - to feel.

I love the feeling of the comfort in a relationship. where you're at that step, where you're walking through life, through your days, side by side - experiencing each day together. whether you're doing the same things and experiencing those or whether you're sharing your days and experiencing through your partners eyes. you're at that level where you're a team, guards down - nekked and real and not on opposite sides. i love that comfort.

I love the feeling of self confidence when I'm at the top of my independence. when i'm doing my thing and I know where I'm going and what I need to do to get there. When I know who I am and how I want to grow. The feeling that I'm walking through life, knowing that no one is looking out for me - but me...but using that to my advantage. This is tricky because people will try to trick you, to test you and sometimes I fall for it. But I get right back up and find that track again(hahah, I actually just finished re-discovering the track just recently)..

I am one of the biggest 28 y.o. cry babies in the whole freakin' world. that's how someone may say it. but i feel deep compassion - a whole freakin' lot! I used to get self conscious during movies (i.e. Hotel Rwanda, I don't think I stopped crying), or during news or sit coms (yes I really did cry when Woody Harrelson's character broke up with Grace Adler) or commercials.
But I embrace my emotions with open arms - wear 'em on my sleeves and no regrets. i.e. When the first recent hurricane hit New Orleans, I couldn't read or watch anything without crying. And for some reason, anything regarding the animals had me balling - on ends. I was a - mess. I would go to the posting websites / message boards and just read owners message out to the rescue teams and sit there and cry. I was on this rampage to know as much as I could and keep up - I felt that they were so - lost. I was absolutely focused on the stranded and sick pets. There were tons of adults and children and babies but I was oddly focused on these pets. But the outcome is sometimes wet tears but it's compassion and that's me. I'm compassionate.

i love the feeling of a new crush. where you can't think straight and your newfound euphoria feels endless. you can't eat. you can't sleep. you can't stop smiling. and it's all simply built on the existence of someone else.

but to some degree, i think i've discovered that i love to feel the sadness and demise of a relationship. it acknowledges passion in - something. you felt this high while in the relationship - that the lack of - brings you this sadness. it acknowledges the bottom of the roller coaster - but to be a bottom means that you were lucky enough to experience the top. it acknowledges that your blue days can be compared to those sunny ones and it's necessary..... it gives you something to compare to later and it builds on your insight to learning about - you. it's testing you. it's a self-discovery period. it's needed. and if you miss it - you won't realize how sunny those days in the future really are. you may take them for granted. below, i wrote sh!t happens, but it's not about sh!t happening - what it is is "now what the f! are you gonna do about it????"

in dabbling with "E" in college. i loved how it amplified just that - feeling. and i was one of the lucky ones, i was ALWAYS dancing and happy. so i was a gazillion times as happy as EVER. it was crazy. it would kill me to live life without feeling as much as i do.

i love feeling - anything.