SECRET - not the deodorant either...

Previously, I had gone through a brief break-up and in that interim, I needed to fill the void. I created a personals ad and actually posted it. I went through the whole nine yards.
At that time, I felt immediate emptiness and the unsettled wonder and disbelief of my own self-worth. It was challenging, as it is or was every time but this specific time...I needed it filled immediately. and that's what this posting was supposed to do. I could probably count the number of days that it was on the internet. I would never answer any emails. which made me curious - why bother? I even got an ad from a firefighter (that's equivalent to school girls to men), and guys that didn't look that random and some (50+ y.o. guy) that did. I would use them as a collection, a collection to build me back. how superficial, yet what was done is done. After I had gotten back into that relationship, the next/last breakup came and I put the ad right back up. See, I had never deleted it. I simply put it as unaccessible to the public, but it was never completely erased. Because two months later it was right back up on the internet. This time, it was even shorter - maybe a day or two it was up.

See I wasn't trying to use the ad for it's neatly classified purpose. I was never going to answer ads - no matter who emailed me. The ad wasn't meant for anything else but to fill a void that couldn't be filled.



Here's the ad:

Title: constantly talking isn't necessarily...

Body: "...communicating."

In the spur of the moment, some people skip their "regular" and order something random from their favorite restaurant - some people will take a different route to work or school - some people will go sky diving for an adrenaline rush. Me? eh, I sign up on *insert personals ad name* *shrugging shoulders*. Frankly not interested in commitment now but want to meet and greet. But I wouldn't run away from the fitting puzzle piece. I just want to surround myself with people who are - real. I'm not interested in becoming a couch potato, I once dated a guy for 11 months and the only 2 times we watched TV was 1.) when he had a guest over 2.) when he came back from overseas and wanted to see what was on the news - that was for like....? 20 min tops.I want to learn and I want to teach and be appreciated for what I do know.

I want to experience and if my experience sucks it'll make my next day even brighter. I want to be appreciated and I want to meet considerate people. I want to laugh. And I don't want to go through life like a poker game. It shouldn't be like that. I live like I'm not going to fall down tomorrow.I don't ever want to stop growing.

I want to meet the guy who will enjoy my contradictions, my illogical thoughts, my insane nature and my "gorky" (geek & dork, but more dorky vs. geeky or else that would be "deeky") behavior and realize that I wouldn't change for anything or anyone and that all of those things combined and more, make me vs. everyone else.

--> jump to a dinner I recently went to.

I was sitting next to one of my girls and someone asks her "Where's your other half (her fiance)?"...other half? other half? hmmm...As I looked around the rest of the table of married couples, couples who lived together, a couple who was going to live together and a couple of girls, myself and my engaged girlfriend...I wondered...I don't have a fiance (or a b/f) but does that mean I am perceived as not having another half? because I am my own two halves. I am whole. And I am spending the rest of my life, being my own two halves and evolving with that exploration. Are single people perceived as less than whole?

Nowadays, I don't have a personals ad set up on the internet. But even more, I don't have an urge to fill any void. If anything, I spend more time by myself, finding myself again.

---> jump to straits cafe. I'm sitting talking with one of my girls. And she says, she's sorry to hear about r. And she looks up - and sees a boy talking right in front of us (couple feet away) - "What about *insert name that I couldn't hear over the music* - he's single?"...I honestly didn't even flinch. nah. I don't have a void and I don't need it filled with the next single guy. I know she meant well, so that's why even more - I didn't say this. But I know she understands.