i've been married for a year and a half

*silence*

we had been on the phone chopping it up - for like 2 1/2 hrs last night. it was great! testing our memories, laughing, catching up, everything. I had finally gotten a hold of T and I was letting it all out. How much I learned and grew from our experience. Where I'm at now. How similiar or different we both are. I came across his stuff while I was packing up my apt. How I wanted to see how he's doing. How I had just reconciled with another ex and wanted to see if we had friendship potential as well. He remembered - so - much, about everything. he remembered how much I love/d Travis Barker, about DeVry, about gifts I had made / given him, about me and my teeth, about my cousins, housesitting in Alameda, my fear of dogs, about my family, about me trying to pursuade him to take vitamins cuz he refused to eat greens, about me buying an elliptical machine and him trying to make me use it, about my brother at Santa Cruz, about my (lack of) memory, my road rage nature and the experiences. even about watching 9/11 on my like 12" tv in my parents house. i remembered that day, he called me from work and tried so hard to get me to stay home that day. he mentioned how he remembered me talking about seattle before and that he could see me there. it's chill there, like you.

he asked me what i remember about him and i said - that your heart is huge!

and we tried to get his closure for him. he told me how betrayed he felt. he told me how i tried to salvage our relationship too late. he told me how much he blamed me for a long time. how he was pissed. he told me how he didn't have to be put through it anymore. he told me how hard it was to not come back to me and to let me go. he mentioned more than once, how he never thought we would be having this conversation. he said he would've been content seeing me pass by in an airport - with me not noticing him.

and when he finally spit it out, that's when my silence fell.

he told me the only two women he's ever loved was A and me. "jo, i've been married for a year and a half". he married A. he's married with two kids. he told me that he felt so bad telling me over the phone. he said, telling you this, was right up there with telling my parents about my engagement. he told me he really wanted to tell me in person but was chicken. i said it was ok, the bottomline would be the same whether it was in person or on the phone. he said it may be the same for me but it wasn't for him. i was speechless. the same woman who i felt challenged our relationship time and time again. the same woman he got with two or three months after we broke up. the questionable friend. the coworker. the ex that didn't get announced as ex until months into our relationship.

he said he wanted his daughter to grow up just like me.

he said not a lot of people effected him, but i did.

he's the oldest 26 y.o. I know.

i don't know what i feel now. i am sad - yes. the conversation was closure and it felt - sad. i didn't cry. i didn't jump up for joy. i was numb. i am numb.

i called him with the intention and hope of a future friendship and when we got off the phone when she called on the other line, i knew that was the last time i'd hear his voice. he jokingly said, you regret calling now?

no, i don't.

and i don't. i feel like i did my due diligence. i wanted to hear that he was happy and that he's doing well. i learned a lot from our relationship and getting over it too - made me who i am today.